Listening to Your Kids is Not an Indulgence
And Indulging Them Does Not Count as Listening
Being heard by those who love us is an important human need.
This need does not suddenly strike us when we are old enough to become articulate and argue our case. No, it is something we are born with and if nature did not think it important I doubt it would have given newborn babes such a healthy set of screaming lungs. I mean, they are so tiny, how do they make that much noise?
In fact, being heard is an important part of survival for the infant. And the cry of the infant grates like sandpaper against the mother’s heart. Indeed one of the hardest things about parenting during the tiny baby stage is that if you cannot figure out why they are crying and fix it, your heart starts bleeding.
Because that screaming baby sounds scrapes against your heart until it is raw.
This too, is a wise bit of survival, after all, for the species to carry-on, the mother must have an overriding instinct to care for the new life she has birthed at all costs.
Overriding this heart-bleed is a struggle. Anyone who has ever had a colicky baby knows what I mean. You have taken care of every cause, read all the books, and tried all the tricks. But the baby will scream, from 5 pm to 8 pm nightly, no matter what. It is their crying time.
You have only to decide how you will stay sane and survive it. But it is hard to survive the incessant cry of an infant, it does not seem to be something nature designed for us to do. Nature prompts us to fix it, even when our rational mind knows we cannot fix it.
Nature planned that if the babe is suffering and in anguish, so must the parents also be, especially the mom. Thanks, nature.
As The Tiny Baby Turns Into a Teetering Toddler They Can Do More Than Cry
When my fourth child was less than 2, but more than 1, she developed a system to communicate with mom and dad when she needed to leave a party.
No, I did not imagine it. I listened. She did not come to me and say, “Mom, I am introverted and I need a lot of quiet, downtime. We have been around people too many hours today and I am about to have a meltdown, can we please go home?”. No, she just brought me her shoes. After a few times of her melting down within 10 minutes of bringing me her shoes, I started to get it.
She was done. She was not throwing a fit. Taking her home when she brought me her shoes was not an indulgence. It was listening. We were not responding to a fit. We were responding to a need.
We were also saving her from the emotional turmoil of getting to meltdown point.
We were also teaching her to respect her own needs.
We were showing her that her needs mattered, both to her, and that she was right to know and listen to herself. And to us, and that we loved her enough to leave a party before we wanted to for her sake.
Some people may not think all this is even possible. How self-reflective can a kid that age be? Not very. BUT, they can be VERY INSTINCTUAL. At that tender age, they have not yet learned to NOT listen to themselves.
Of course, she was not aware that she was introverted, or even why she wanted to go. But she did know what she needed and how to tell mommy, even though she could not yet communicate the idea to me with words.
Listening to Kids Teaches Them Respect
When We listen to our children’s need we teach them what it means to respect other people. Because listening is respectful, and in those moments when we stop and listen to them, they are able to experience how it feels to be valued.
Of course, at times, people will not listen to them. It might sometimes be you, the parent, who does not listen, or another adult, or just siblings or peers. This is another valuable part of how they learn what respect means. They cannot fully understand what respect is until they feel the sting of being disrespected and ignored.
When they encounter the hurt of not being heard, they learn to cherish those who listen to them more. They learn that listening is part of loving.
Listening Does Not Mean You Create a Demand Monster
What does it mean to listen to a child?
It does not mean we always give them their way. For a toddler who is tired and needs to go home, the adults in their life should comply if at all possible. But for a 3-year-old begging for candy adult compliance is not recommended.
Listening to your kids does not mean you allow them to control you. It just means you hear them. You hear their needs and their wants. But because you are the adult it is up to you to take care of their needs and that is often in conflict with their wants.
Indulging Your Kids in Their Wants Does Not Count as Listening
Contrary to popular opinion, spoiled kids are rarely listened to. Their needs are ignored. This is why they are unrelenting, whiny, and obnoxious. They pick up these behaviors in a valiant attempt to survive.
Spoiled kids are neglected. The neglect often comes down to this one problem, their parents don’t listen. They don’t listen enough to discern the difference between what the child needs and what the child wants.
Instead of taking care of the child’s needs, they give in to whatever demands are the loudest, longest, most annoying. They give in not because they are listening, but to get them to shut-up. Because they don’t want to listen to their kids.
Spoiling is not over loving them, you cannot over love a child. But you can fail to listen, to prioritize their needs above their wants, and to teach them what it means to be listened to and respected by those whom they want to please the most.
Don’t be afraid that listening to your kids and giving them what they need will make them entitled. There are plenty of chances for them to learn the meaning of ‘no’ when it comes to their wants. And they will not be entitled if you insist that they ‘do the work’ to fulfill some of those needs and wants themselves.