Raising Kids Who Are Comfortable in Their Own Skin
It’s not as hard as you think
Kids are born unique in some ways and shaped by their environment in others. Although there is more and more evidence that we can change our brains, and in some ways, even our personalities, there is still that thing deep down inside that makes you, you.
We can try to change ourselves as much as we want, and may even succeed, but if we are not being true to ourselves we won’t be happy.
If you get deep into personality typing you know that everyone has the same functions, but we favor some over others and that is what makes the different personalities different. Also, if you re-stack yourself (meaning you choose to favor different as primary), you will take on the characteristics of another personality (this can happen after heartbreak or shock etc.), but guess what? You will never be happy while you are that personality. Because somehow it isn’t you. It isn’t the you you need to be to be happy.
What does all this have to do with kids? Well, as parents, we want kids to be self-actualized. What this means is that they know themselves. They know who they are, they are comfortable with that person. They embrace themselves, learn what they need to thrive, and then go get it.
This, of course, is a gradual process. But I am not sure it is as gradual as we think. The problem we run into is that society as a whole doesn’t want kids to be themselves. The pressure is on from a very young age to conform. If you don’t conform something is wrong with you, and the teachers will be talking to your parents about that.
The most natural place to both be yourself and find yourself is at home. This is where we can let our guard down without worrying about what other people think. This is where we can experience freedom from conformity.
As the parent, you need to be mindful of maintaining this atmosphere. Your child first and foremost, needs to feel free to be themselves in front of you. They need to know you love and care for them as they are.
This in no way means you can’t discipline or guide them, they need both of those things from you. It means, quite simply, that you cannot indulge in the fantasy that your child is someone other than they are. If you are dreaming of an ESTJ and your child is and INFP than your child is going to have a lot of trouble becoming themselves. Our children are not mini-me’s.
Without your approval, they will constantly feel less than, even at home. If their need for your approval is met, on a deep, soul-level, the rest of the world will have less power to convince them that they are not lovable. They will know they are enough, because you showed them the truth of their worth.