How to Support Your Kids’ Dreams Without Raising “Delusionals”

No, son, you cannot be a dolphin when you grow up.

Every child needs to know that their dreams matter. Who they are matters. Working hard at what they love will bring them joy. But no life, no matter how dreamy, is perfect. Dreams coming true just give your life a base of joy and happiness. They do not erase problems or everyday struggles.

I don’t know whether to point out that dreams coming true are not Disney World Vacations…or just remind you how imperfect a Disney Vacation can be. I mean, have you tasted the coffee there? I think giving parents watered down coffee at Disney Hotels before they have to attack the park is the definition of torture.

Yet we do Disney Vacations because they are the stuff dreams are made of. But I’m not here to talk about why we dream of Disney Vacations.

I want to talk about kids’ dreams. The dreams they have when they are little. About all the great things they want to be when they grow up. The dreams that are liveable and the dreams that are impossible. I want to talk about what parents should do with those dreams.

How do we encourage our kids without setting them up for future failure? How do we help them fit their dreams into the reality of life? And how do we teach them to dream bigger?

How to spot a delusional dream

Sometimes these dreams are obviously outside the realm of reality. Like when my youngest decided he wanted to be a dolphin when he grew up. Well, it was a step up from telling us he wanted to be a baby. But let’s leave the psychology of youngest children for another time.

Now that he is older he wants to be a pet breeder or dog walker. He loves animals. But vet shows gross him out. This kid spends as much time as he can with the family pets. His love for animals has been obvious from an early age.

When he was three he asked rather seriously if I would buy him a dead dog. It took a while for us to figure out why he would ask such a thing. We frequented a science museum which had a taxidermied coyote. The kids were allowed to touch it. He was always petting and hugging the thing. He also asked me repeatedly if it was alive. I always replied, “No, it is dead.” He wanted a taxidermied coyote, so, yes, he did want a dead dog. But I told him no. I knew it was only a matter of time before he started asking for living dogs.

A few years later we got a real-life, living, breathing puppy. So, my youngest had some delusional dreams that were obvious to spot, like wanting to be a dolphin when he grew up. It is okay, to be honest, and tell your kids we something is just impossible. You will not squash their spirit simply by telling them something is not possible.

But what about more subtle delusions? And how do we know if a dream is impossible or not?

Is his dream of being a dog walker delusional? Can he do that full-time? Can he make enough money doing that job? I don’t know. But I do know he only says that because his world is still small. Walking dogs is one of the only things he can think of that involves animals. In truth, there are a lot of careers that involve animals and our job as his parents right now is not to tell him being a dog walker is a dumb idea, or to tell him it is a great idea.

Our job is to expand his dreams. Help him spend time with animals. Help him discover all the different things he could do with his life that involve animals. Ours is a job of supporting and expanding his dreams…not stomping on them just be dog walking isn’t prestigious and might not be financially advantageous.

Our other job is just getting to know him and helping him get to know himself. You have to know your child well to know if their dream is within their reach. Your child also has to have a good understanding of themselves. And they need to understand the nitty-gritty everyday work that their dream will require of them.

Actions you can take to help them with self-discovery

Give them lots of time with the things they think they love

If they get to the end of that love as soon as work is required then they will let go of the dream themselves and set off in search of a new one.

Don’t worry, if they really do love something than work won’t feel like drugery and they will keep going because it is work they love to do.

And if they just have no work ethic? At some point, you can remind them that there is no way around work. It is part of life. Those who fulfill their dreams work hard.

Still, your child will have to decide for themselves if they are willing to put in the work for their dream or not.

Chill out with your kids

Spend time with them. Talk with them, have conversations about what they like and don’t like, what they are good at and what they struggle with. Be transparent with them, share with them what you are good at and what you are not good at.

Also, make sure they understand that anything can become a talent if you work on it day in and day out for hours every day.

When is your child happiest?

The biggest delusions happen when people either think they can get to a dream quickly and easily or when they dream something that would, in reality, make them miserable.

For example, my oldest is miserable if he has to sit at a desk for more than a couple of hours at a time. Is he smart enough to be a computer programmer? You bet. Would he be miserable sitting at a desk, coding for eight hours a day? Definitely. He needs a ‘not desk job’. And that is okay. It is okay for you to point out little details like this that your child may not be consciously aware of themselves.

Another one of my kids wants to be a doctor. She is introverted. She can be friendly and outgoing when she needs to be, but it obviously exhausts her. There is no way she will be happy having to extrovert for eight hours a day. Does this mean we discourage her from being a doctor?

Of course not, it means we bring her attention to the reality that she gets tired quickly when she is around people. We point out that she loves working alone in the quiet. An eight hour a day desk job, in many ways, would be a dream job for her. But she doesn’t realize that yet.

She would make a great radiologist. Or an excellent medical device programmer. We are expanding her dreams by showing her all the different kinds of doctors there are, and even what other jobs in the world of medicine she might enjoy. Not every doctor has to see patients all day long.

Kids fall in love with the idea of their dream

You see, there is a space between what kids think it will be like to do something and what it will really be like. Actually, most adults suffer from this too.

Sometimes the difference is a gaping chasm. The idea of what life will be like if you live this dream is completely different than the reality of what living that dream will be like.

The best thing we can do for our kids to help them follow their dreams is to gently introduce them to what kind of life their dream will require. Any skill can be learned and we should never discourage our kids from a dream because they aren’t good at something yet.

They are kids, they aren’t supposed to be exceptional at anything right now. They will become exceptional once they put their mind and heart into something and practice for ten thousand hours. To get through all those hours they are going to need to truly love it.

But we should point out realities. Different things make different people happy. We should help our children discover what makes them happy and lead them into thinking about dreams that align with their personality.

There are no shortcuts to such a process

It takes years to help children find out who they are. It takes space and time. It takes observation. It takes gentle revealings. Pointing out weaknesses does not have to be about judgment. Pointing out strengths does not have to be about praise.

The more objective you can be about who your child is, the more emotional space you give them to discover themselves at a young age. This means you have to let go of who you want your child to be.

They are not for your dreams. Only you can do your dreams. If you, either consciously, or subconsciously, leave your dreams to die in hopes that your life will be relevant or justified by the greatness of your child, you lock them up in an emotional prison.

They will not be free to discover themselves or find out who they are. Because they need your love and approval just as much as they need to follow their dream.

So part of supporting your kid’s dreams is to go after your own. Fulfill yourself. Because it is not your child’s job to fulfill you. Figure out what makes you happy, because only by watching happy adults do kids know what everyday happiness looks like.

Only by watching adults live out their dreams do children begin to understand what dreams really are. They need to see that the result of dreams coming true does not make the clouds of life disappear. It just adds in silver linings and rainbows.

Delusionals think dreams are about fairytale endings

Perhaps it is time to parse out the difference between a delusion and a dream. A delusion lies outside of the confines of reality. It is impossible. My son cannot be a dolphin. He can be a dog walker.

More subtle delusions lie outside of the reality of life in a more general sense. There is the delusion that a dream will not require work once it is attained. The classic fairy tale delusion is a good example. The couple weds and lives happily ever after. That is not possible. No, the couple weds and works hard on their relationship. Sometimes they are happy and sometimes they are driving each other crazy, and they choose to love each other in both instances.

Career dreams can suffer from these same fairy tale delusions. You go to college, get your dream job, and live happily ever after. Except you have to actually show up to work every day and do a good job. If you chose a profession, any profession, without considering the everyday life your job would entail you are more likely to choose a career that is a poor fit.

So to combat these fairy tales we have to help our kids think about what it is they would be doing every day, day in and day out.

Dreamers don’t need a fairy tale ending

A dreamer finds a passion. Something they love doing. Something they can happily work hard at for hours on end. Something that calls to them. Something they do because they just can’t live without it.

A dreamer does not need a fairy tale ending because all they want is to keep growing and learning and practicing their passion. They do not seek perfection in a magical endpoint of attainment. They seek to live life, with all its ups and downs and ordinariness, while acting on their dreams.

For example, a writer often wants nothing more than to squeeze in time every day to write. That is their dream. A delusional does not want to write every day but dreams of writing one book, having it hit the top of the charts as a bestseller, and then spending the rest of their life on the beach sipping on martinis.

If a dreamer writes a bestseller, they would never dream of not continuing to write. Of course, they might celebrate with a trip to the beach, martini in hand, but even there their brain would be bursting with ideas for their next project and they would soon miss writing. They would want to get back to their everyday life of putting words on the page.

And now we must talk about money

I left this for last because it is such a sensitive subject. Some of you undoubtedly consider income to be the top reason for your child to pursue their dream, or leave it under the table to die. Others among you are sure money does not matter at all, life is too short to be miserable and therefore your child should not worry about money and just pursue their dreams.

Could there be an in-between?

Poverty is not fun. No money means no funds for following your dream. Everyone needs to make a living, whether or not it is done with their dream work.

And money can’t buy happiness so we certainly shouldn’t encourage our kids to hide their dreams under the table just because they are not financially viable career paths.

Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a comfortable life, good food, yummy clothes, and less stress.

Sometimes our kid’s dream and financial success are conveniently wrapped together. Like my daughter who wants to be a doctor. I don’t have to worry about whether or not she will be able to feed herself. I just have to help her figure out what kind of doctor she will enjoy being.

On the other hand, my son who loves animals and doesn’t want to be a vet presents a challenge. He says he wants to professionally walk dogs, be a pet sitter, or breeder. These are all more difficult jobs to turn into viable, full-time careers. This does not mean it is a delusion. He loves animals and wants to spend his life caring for them.

He can try to turn this passion into a career, or he can choose another career, one that would provide the money he needs to spend as much time with animals as he can. I don’t need to micro-manage this dream. All I need to do is encourage him to spend time with animals, learn as much about animals as he can, and then show him what kind of careers are possible. What the daily duties of the careers require. What the salary is, and how competitive the job market is. None of these things need to stop him from loving animals.

In the end, he might not choose a career with animals. He might choose a job where he can work from home to be with his own animals and rescue or foster dogs from shelters. Or he might find the perfect career while he is exploring the world of animals. Maybe he will slowly build up a business of humane breeding for healthy family pets.

My point is this. You should encourage your children to pursue their dreams. While helping them understand and navigate the world of money. What it can and cannot give them and how much they will need to be comfortable. If their dreams are immediately married to a great salary, hurray. But if they are not it is no reason for them to give up on their dreams. They can pursue them on the side of a career, or be creative about how they can turn their dream into money. Help them navigate those waters.

Often, fairy tale dreams of what money, fame, or prestige can give you are at the heart of delusions. Any child can fall prey to these delusions. Whether dreaming of being a famous actor or a lawyer, doctor, or engineer. A child who is just chasing money is living in delusion and you should save them from that by helping them discover what it is that they love to spend time doing.